• 15th November
    2010
  • 15

Letters to Mama

Mama,

Sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling to call you just to chat.  It takes my heart a couple of seconds to catch up with my brain and for me to realize that I can’t do that.  Maybe if I write you some letters, it will help that overwhelming feeling shrink. 

You’ve been gone from us now for almost 3 months and that is so hard to believe. You’ve been gone longer than you were alive after you were diagnosed with cancer. I’ve done all I can to make you proud.  I cut bangs for Grace since I know how much you wanted me to do that! I also found a job like you told me too - and boy, you were right.  Its amazing what a little structure will do for me.  You did always know me the very best out of everyone. 

I am not selling real estate at this point - I couldn’t ever get a clear enough head to go back to something that I wasn’t passionate about.  If your sickness taught me one thing, it taught me to never take a moment for granted.

Dad is ok - he misses you and he is still skinny as a rail and depressed, but hes still here and coping on a day to day basis. I don’t think we want the holidays to come, but they are approaching with the speed of light. We went to lunch yesterday (at the forks!) and talked about how much you would want us to keep going and have Christmas like always, esp for Grace.  So, that is what we are going to try and do. I took one box of decorations out of the attic last week and it made me so sad that I was teary eyed and crying for about 2 days. It is not going to be a great time.

I miss you like there is a chunk of me missing.  I love you more than I ever did when you were here.  I need you.  I need you.  I need you. And I can’t have you except for in my heart and soul.  I hope you are enjoying Heaven. I wish you could tell me all about it.  Keep those butterflies coming if that was you.. just keep some signs in my life that you are our angel.  Another dream would be nice too. Thanks. :)

Love you so much,

Your only daughter,

Beth

UPDATE on this blog:

As soon as I posted this, Toes came on my Iphone - which was one of her favorite songs and her phone’s ringtone…. I got my toes in the water…. amazing. There she is! :)

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