One Sweet World

I’m back for more - my brain won’t stop until I get this all out. Its all I can think about. So bare with me please!

The Sunday after that visit on Friday, my cell phone rang before 7am in the morning.  My heart jumped out of my chest because why else would my phone ring so early in the morning unless it was bad news.

It was bad news.  Dad said Mom was completely delusional and had no idea what was going on.  We hung up the phone and Jay called 911 while I hurriedly threw on some clothes.  I raced to Mom and Dad’s house.  When I got there, there was a sheriff, ambulance and fire truck in front of their house. Dad was distraught and Mom was on a gurney on the sidewalk in the front of the house.  She looked right through me like she didn’t know who I was.  Dad needed to gather a few things, so it was quickly decided that I would accompany Mom in the ambulance.  The head EMT guy came up to me and told me we needed to discuss hospice if Mom came back home. It was a horrible feeling.  The ride in the ambulance was one of the longest rides of my life. So many thoughts running through my head.

We took Mom too Duke Raleigh since it was the closest and if we had to transfer her to big Duke, we could.  Dad and I were the first ones in the ER that morning.  They rushed Mom back and started running tests on her brain, abdomen, etc. It was determined after awhile, that no, it wasn’t the medicine making Mama loopy, but it was the fact that colon was completely blocked by the cancer and was quickly poisoning her. A tube was stuck down her nose into her stomach in order to suck up the poison and it make her so sick and miserable. She couldn’t get the fluids out of her lungs at this point and she gasped for air for what seemed like hours.  There were so many doctors and nurses around, it was hard to keep it straight.

Pastor Ray came from church with his wife,  Jay dropped Grace off and came up, Buddy rushed home from camping and Aunt Martha and Uncle Terry came straight from the beach.

They admitted Mom and this was her 4th hospital in such a short time. We were grateful that it was close to home for us so we could be there more often.  Once she was admitted we were visited by all kinds of doctors - none who had any good news.  Mom wasn’t eligible for the surgery she needed to clear the blockage because she was so sick.  It was a waiting game.  We spent the next week hunkered down at the hospital. I only left to eat and sleep. One night when it was really bad, Dad, Buddy, Aunt Martha and I all spent a sleepless night in the hospital with Mom watching her vitals like a hawk. She made it another night!

There was one amazing day at the hospital that I will forever be grateful for.  On Thursday, I walked in with my morning dunkin doughnuts coffee and Mom was sitting up in her bed, alert as possible. She knew me, was glad to see me and gave me a HUGE hug.  That entire day was spent with her while we laughed, talked, prayed. I’ll cherish in my heart until the end of time the moment when I was sitting/leaning as close to my Mama as I could get and she looked at me and asked me to pray for her. So I did. I have no idea what I said, but I know I prayed for God to take care of her forever.  Mom drank her favorite drink - a coke after much begging. She loved it. I had to fed it to her out of a straw. The look of pleasure would stick with me forever. That would be the last thing that my Mom ever drank/ate by mouth.  We all took turns holding her hand. She was not alone for one second.  This day was truly a gift from God.  My Mom was her old self - she even tried to get out of bed and sit in the chair.  This day was the day that she said goodbye to us all in her own way.  She looked at me at one point and said for me not to worry, that I was going to be fine and that we would figure it out together. I guess she meant we’d figure it out with her as my angel.  By late that afternoon, Mom announced she was tired so she decided to take a nap.  She never spoke another word again after that day.

On Friday, we talked with one of her doctors who told us that it was a “keep her comfortable” at this point.  We stopped the fluids that were keeping her hydrated because it was the “most peaceful way to die.” Mom was given pain medication every couple of hours and we had to flip her over as much as we could due to the bed sores that had shown up all over her back.  It was more than heart wrenching to see my Mom like this. The whole time Mom was sick in the hospital, she constantly asked my Aunt and I to get her pajamas. So we did. I picked out her favorite pair and insisted to the nurses that when the time came I wanted my Mom changed. The pajamas were a bright yellow top and pants with butterflies all over them.

After a long day on Sunday, I came home to get some rest.  A little after 10 at night, my phone rang. Never good news, again.  Dad was on the phone.  He said - “She’s gone. She’s gone. She’s gone.”  I went into a shock. I told Jay and texted my best friends and pastors.  I asked my cousin Mark to send my bible verses and I sat up until the wee hours of the morning reading the bible. 

Monday was a full day of shock and I went into a mode I’ve never experienced before. I was like a machine with no emotion. I couldn’t find tears. They weren’t there and I was worried. Wasn’t I supposed to be a wreck?  My aunt and uncle came from Roxboro and along with my Dad, Jay and Buddy we went to the crematorium to discuss plans.  Up next was the meeting with the church and then we went to the florist.  I tell you what, from Monday, until her Celebration of Life on Thursday, I do not remember very much. I am sure that is my body’s way of protecting me from the hurt I felt.  I know we had some meetings and planning to do and I know I ironed some shirts. That is all I have.

On Thursday, everyone came to my house before the service.  Heidi was here from Wilmington, Noelle from Florida, numerous people from all over the state.  We went to the Celebration of Life and my tears finally found me.  I was squeezing my Daddy’s hand so tight he said he thought it was going to fall off.  We had an “afterparty” for my Mama that would of made her proud.  We put her ashes, a picture of her a pint of her favorite Canadien Mist on the mantel and laughed, talked, ate and cried for hours.  Dad said that he thought that would of been Mom’s favorite part.  I think so too.

Friday morning, my amazing husband packed Grace and I in the car and took me to the beach for a long weekend of soul searching.  As we were packing the car, I noticed a butterfly sitting on the lamppost, not moving.  I just stared at it and in some way, I felt a peace come over me.  The butterfly let me get close enough to it to take a picture without flying away.  It was still on the lamppost as we drove away. 

Once at the beach, I sat on the porch and cried, we took long walks, talked about our faith and went to church on Sunday. We saw family and we saw friends. It was like putting a band aid over the hurt for 3 days.

From now until then, I like to think I’ve done things that would make my Mom proud, and probably some that wouldn’t make her proud.  Its a daily struggle to come to terms of life without her.  I think about her constantly and I miss her all the time.  The butterfly showed up about 10 times before it got too cold for it. I know it was the same one every time because it was the only one around.  I found it floating on a float in the pool one day.  It was on my car another.  It would sit on the front porch for hours. One time, I was in the office and it was on the outside screen looking at me.  Mom had told me she wasn’t going to “come back” as anything, that “once she was home, she was staying home,” but I can’t help but to wonder if she needed to come back to reassure me that yes, she is great and she is happy and in no pain. 

There is so much more to this story, and I feel like I’ll add too it, not for you all to read, but for me to read again when the hurt fades away.  It makes me feel better to write my feelings and I can type a lot faster than I can write on paper. 

I am not nearly the same girl I was that fateful day in July.  No, I am different. I am more solemn, more quiet and a whole lot more faithful.  God’s plan is one I can’t mess with although I sure do want too.  I cry at the drop of a hat and I treasure the little things in my life.  I ask one thing of you if you have read this entire thing. Please call your Mom and tell her how much you love her.  Say all the things you feel you need to before something terrible happens to you or a loved one, because we don’t live on Earth forever.  Never hide your feelings for another and be truthful.  Life is way too short to waste it on being miserable. 

I’ll be back for more soon - I don’t think I can stop!