Part 2 of my Summer Vacation
The same weekend that Mom was admitted to Duke, was my cousin’s wedding. We were all due to be in Roxboro for all of the festivities. Of course, Mom couldn’t go and that means Dad wouldn’t either. Mom was very insistent that we go - so we did. I left the hospital on a Friday afternoon and came back on Saturday. Left again and then came back. I put some miles on my car over the summer, that is for sure.
Mom was taken in for her first procedure on Monday and we were on pins and needles with anxiety. After a long, tense wait, the nurse came out and called us back. With little care, she announced that, no the procedure had not worked. The cancer was blocking the bile ducts that the needed to get to in order to drain the bilirubins. When Mom woke up from the anesthesia, it was not fun telling her it had not worked. She was so disappointed, but didn’t cry.
We had to wait while some other set of doctors reviewed her scans and charts to see if she would be a canadaite for option 2 - the external bag. She would have a tube coming out of her liver and at the end of the tube there would be a bag that would catch all of the bile as it drained out.
And after another long wait (another couple of days), we got the word that yes, this can be tried. So, again, we all head downstairs and wait. The external tubed worked and Mom was feeling so much better when the nasty stuff was able to leave her body. Its amazing how when a loved one is sick, all modesty or care for personal space disappears. We all spent an unimaginable time over Mom’s whole sickness watching bags fill up with nasty bile, watching nurses empty and talking about Mom’s bowel movements and urine frequencies.
Mom was in the hospital for a while -I forget dates and all that at this point, which is fine. All I know is that every single day, I’d make the drive to Duke University in Durham and bring whatever the needed, help Dad and talk to Mom. I started using my voice recorder on my phone during one of these hopsital visits. Mom didn’t ever know that I was recording her - for the simple fact that I wanted to be able to remember her voice once she was gone. At one point, I had the recorder going and Mom started talking about death. She said - “No matter if I die today, tomorrow, next month or in 2 years, I love Him, I trust Him and I am happy.” I have to remind myself of this daily, often more than 20 plus times a day. I have it - its true and she said it and believed it, so I do too. I have too - whats a world without faith?
Eventually, Mom was released from the hospital to go home and get strong for chemo…. again. She was released the week of my daughter, Grace’s 4th birthday. Mom was so weak and so sick but she came to the party. She was in pain, she was attached to a oxygen tank and she came to the party. She had told my Daddy that she had to go because this would be her last one most likely. This was the last time I took a picture with my Mom and the last time she was at my house.
On that Monday, Mom had her weekly appointment at Duke and nothing was different except for her bilirubins were way down and we hoped for the best. She was sent back home with strict orders to eat, exercise and gather strength. We hoped for the best and tried to prepare ourselves for the worst.
By that Friday, August 20th, Mom was bedridden. She wouldn’t get up, she would eat, all she could do is lay there in the dark room. We went to visit her and she was not quite herself. She was saying weird things, like she had eaten pizza. She was adamant about it, but clearly she hadn’t. We thought for sure it was her pain medications affecting her mind since she had so little nutrition in her body. Grace was with me at this visit. She crawled on the bed and snuggle with her Memo and they talked quietly for a few minutes. If any of us had known that this would be the very last time in Grace’s young like she would see her precious Memo, I wonder if we would of done it any differently. It was almost breathtaking to watch the love those two have for each other. Just this morning, Grace was coloring a picture of her and Memo that she wants to send up to Heaven for Memo to have.
To be continued. It hurts to write this and I can only do a piece at a time. I feel better once its out, but it is like wrenching my heart out of my chest and stomping on it with high heels.
