One Sweet World

Well, as this pregnancy gets down to the last 10 weeks, there are some things I’m ready to say goodbye too and somethings I’m going to miss when little James arrives. Jay and I plan on only have 2 babies, so this is the last 10 weeks in my life I’ll be pregnant - and I try to remind myself of that when I get frustrated with it.

Things I’ll miss when I’m not pregnant anymore:

1. Feeling James wiggle around in my tummy. Truly by far my most favorite part of being pregnant.

2. Having a perfectly valid excuse to go to bed at the same time Grace does.

Things I’ll be glad to enjoy again once James is here:

1. Of course, holding my new baby and watching Jay and Grace with him.

2. Having a drink or two with my friends - Skype wine nights with Heidi, backporch sitting with Meesh, etc.

3. Having the energy to stay up past when Grace goes to bed - I know not at first, but down the road!

4. Being back to my normal small size - I’m already charting my plan of attack. 

5. I miss real exercise - the kind where you work up a sweat and feel amazing afterwards. I want to run and lift weights and not have to wear 4 sports bras to do so!

6. Ready to not have to visit the ladies room very 10 minutes.

I know I’ll miss being pregnant when I’m not anymore … but for the time being, I’m pretty excited to meet my new baby and get back to “normal.”

So damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me, I’d like to thank my lucky stars
That I’m alive and well

It’d be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I’m alive

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin’ in and out’s a blessing, can’t you see?
Today’s the first day of the rest of my life
And I’m alive and well
I’m alive and well

Stars are dancin’ on the water here tonight
It’s good for the soul when there’s not a soul in sight
This boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I’m alive and well

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathing in and out’s a blessing, can’t you see?
Today’s the first day of the rest of my life
Now I’m alive and well
Yeah, I’m alive and well

***I love these lyrics from Kenny Chesney and Dave Matthews**** Strikes home to me.

Dear Mama,

I feel like my mind is on you constantly these days. I don’t know if it is because we are quickly approaching the year mark of the beginning of the end or if its pregnancy hormones. I just don’t know. All I know is you are always not a split second from my thoughts. Perfect example, this morning I was pulling into the parking deck at work and thought how nice it would be to have a turkey sandwich at the beach this weekend. Not a deli turkey sandwich, but one with your home baked thick cut turkey breast. Well, considering you went and died before I could ask you the secret to making one of these turkeys, I lost it. Yep, out loud crying over a freaking turkey and its no where near Thanksgiving.

I hate how when I think of you, I think of the days we spent together between July 9th and August 29th - not the 29 years leading up to those days. My mind flashes to the things I don’t want it too remember at all. I don’t know why that happens either. I stumble thinking about spending the summer tucked away with you in a hospital. I’d do it all over again every year if I could have you back.  Who needs suntans and beaches when they could have their Mama back? I doubt summer will ever be a carefree time of year for me again because the memories are too much. I feel as if there is a weight on my shoulders and tears ready to flow at the drop of a hat constantly.

Every time I start to cry, I repeat over and over again in my head what you told me so many times - “Don’t cry, don’t you cry.” And everytime I get pissed because there hasn’t been a magical sign from you from heaven, I think of how you said - “When I get home, I’m staying home.” I don’t want you to stay home, can’t you send me a sign that you are still out there somewhere?

Pretty sure my mind hasn’t even let itself wander to thoughts of how you haven’t seen Grace in almost a year and how you won’t meet our baby boy. Thats way heavier than turkeys and not sure my pitiful soul could handle those thoughts mixed with pregnancy hormones. Grace talks about you ALL THE TIME. I’m really not kidding. She was disappointed the other day because her wish hasn’t come true and when I asked her what her wish was, she simply stated, “to see Memo again.” Just the other day, she told me that she has secrets no one else does, well since shes 4, it was easy to get her to tell me the secret. I’m not sure if this is something that you told her or what, but she said in a loud whisper, “Memo loved me the very most.”  Bless her heart. She misses you so much. She just graduated from preschool. It was the best day and would of been even better had you been sitting next to me. She swims like a fish and read her first book on her own this week. She is such a big girl and going to kindergarten in the fall.

Your grandson is due around 9/27/11.  It pains me so that he won’t know what a great Memo you were or that you aren’t going to be here to help me cope with all that comes with having a newborn. Can’t you see, we need you. I hate cancer. I hate it. I’m so afraid I’m going to end up with it. We are naming the baby James Hall, Hall being for you and Daddy. If the baby was a girl, she would of been named Susan. Hall is the best I can do with a boy though.

I’m reading one of your books, I got it off of your bookshelf. Its called Roses. Its driving me crazy not knowing if you ever read it or not. Its so good and you would of loved it, but I can’t tell by looking at it if you had a chance to read it or not.

I get so jealous when other girls talk about their Moms. Its not fair I don’t have my Mom anymore. I grin and bare it, and try to change the subject.

I love you. I miss you. I need you. I hope Heaven is amazing as the Bible says it is, because I’m 100% sure that is the only place you would only be over being here with us. No where else could of gotten you away from us. I remember you telling me while in the hospital how God would come sit with you at night when you were scared and that he just pulled up a chair and that he had such a warm glow. That gives me comfort. You knew what was waiting for you and it most certainly did not involve that horrible disease that took you from us way too early in your life.

Love,

your daughter.

This upcoming Saturday will mark the 6th year that I’ve been married to Jay.  6 years - what? No way I’m old enough to have been married for almost 6 years.  Those 6 years don’t count the 6 years we spent together before marriage. So, really 12 years with him.  I’m lucky I have him, I’m lucky I found him and I love him. Sure, he drives me bonkers, but my life without him would be…. well, so not my life. We have literally grown up together and now that we are close to being grown ups, I can’t wait to have a chance to grow old with him. There is a picture frame that I hold a picture of us and the quote at the bottom of the frame reads: “Whatever souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” ~Emily Bronte.  This is true with my dear James. Here’s to another adventurous year ahead…

It came…and it went, and I made it!  Yep, I’m talking about the dreading 1st Mother’s Day without my Mother. It was a day I had been dreading for quite a while.  I built it up in my mind to be this day that was going to be full of sadness and grumpiness and just plain old unhappiness. 

Yes, it was all of that, but so much more.  I was lucky enough to wake up at the beach at my Aunt and Uncles house, with Jay and Grace and a beautiful morning. I was also lucky enough to wake up to emails, text messages and voice mails from my dear family and friends letting me know they they loved me and were thinking of me - all before 7:30 in the morning.

Mom was the first thing on my mind yesterday and the last one before I went to sleep.  She was in my head the entire day.  From start to finish with no break. I told Jay to keep my busy - I just did not want to have a complete breakdown.  He did a great job - after we left Auntie M and Uncle T in NMB. we cruised up the 17 to Sunset Island and checked out their fancy new bridge.  Next, we went and scoped out the Alderson Family vacation house for summer 2011 at OIB.  After that, we drove up to Southport for a ferry ride to Ft. Fisher.  (Grace’s favorite part of the day by far!) We drove from Ft. Fisher up to Wilmington for lunch at a restaurant I’d been excited to try for a long time, K-38.  THEN we went and saw my best friend, Heidi, who just purchased her first house with her fiance, Seth last week. It was so nice to see her and their new digs.  By this time, it was time to hit the long straight drive down 40 to come home.

That’s when it happened. Those tears I had run away from all day got me.  I had been trying rest and of course, my mind drifted right to my Mama.  I couldn’t remember what I did for her last year for Mother’s Day. I lost it. I cried and cried and cried. I miss my Mama. I felt so much better once those tears were gone. Poor Jay, just drove the car with no chance of calming me down. He just let me cry. Thankfully, Grace was deep into a dvd in the back seat.

Over these last months, I’ve learned so valuable life lessons.  One of the most important is that you have to grieve.  You just have too. You can’t run from it - it will get you just like it got me.  I’m glad it got me - I felt a weight lifted off of my heart. I’m sure its coming again, it still comes in waves.  True, the waves are further apart and not as big, but they still come and crash and hurt me.

I am….

1. A mother to the most amazing 4 year old little girl in the world.

2. A mother to a tiny little one in my tummy.

3. A wife to my soulmate.

4. A daugher with a mom in Heaven.

5. A daughter to the most compasionate Daddy in the world.

6. A sister, a neice, a friend, an in-law.

I am….

1. Trying to find my way in this crazy world.

2. Trying to adjust to life without my Mama.

3. Trying to adapt to being out of my twenties and into my thirties.

4. Trying to fit in at my new job.

5. Trying to be the best Mama I can be.

I am….

1. Finding my Faith in God by going to church and praying.

2. Living life to its fullest.

3. Trusting my instincts.

4. Inviting new people into my life.

5. Wanting to help others.